Mindfulness

Guess what! Despite my reduced abilities, my mind is still bright and shiny and beautiful and able! It really is. I spoke to my mind and my body (more accurately... I LISTENED to my mind and my body) this morning during an exceptional period of guided mindfulness in a rehabilitation session.

• When was the last time you sat in silence?
• Have you ever meditated?
• Do you check in with the parts of your body?
• Are you aware of every sense's contribution to the most simple moments?

I would have said No to each of those before this morning but now I will do this as often as possible.

Mermaid me in another place and time

With the benefit of silence and calm and relaxation this morning I saw my brain swim and soar and twirl and circle playfully, pause reflectively and consider things as I always was able. Agile and adaptable and brilliant. Like a beautiful movie in the beautiful sea... 

And THEN it is time to talk about it or to verbalize it or even to define it and suddenly my beautiful movie stalls and stutters and skips frames. The image melts on the screen and my beautiful brain is ashamed and dismayed and looks away... A tear spills into that ocean. Perhaps that is how my ocean arrived... One tear at a time...

It hurts to struggle with the abilities I used to take for granted. It is a huge regret that I was not more thankful for it being so easy at the time.

But instead of living in that regret I have work to do to continue my regrowth. Everything happens for a reason. How can I grieve for a gift that I enjoyed while it was mine? It was not mine forever... only loaned to me. 

Perhaps on September 7, 2010 a new child was born and was gifted with that blessing - if I could find them, my silent gesture would be to tenderly touch their cheek and wish them joy and awareness of the depth of that gift.
Thank you for walking this far with me - even if we have never met I am grateful for your virtual presence - for this shared experience, and for feeling connected to the world beyond my Self. But please forgive me if me, myself, and I spend some quiet time to reconnect.

*smiles quietly*

Be well,

Jen

P.S.: A belated Happy Valentine's Day with an affectionate tribute to my husband whose proposal was 12 years ago... And to my Brassavola Nodosa (a type of orchid) who brings me joy and beauty even in the middle of the night.

Brassavola Nodosa

Saying No

No thank you
I'd prefer not to
I regret that I can't
Nope
Not at all
Never

That's a powerful list. One that I rarely used.

I think most of us seek approval and to be liked. I certainly did. I wanted to exceed the expectations of my loved ones, and friends, and my workplace, and my volunteer organizations.

I very rarely said no to requests from those around me.

Interestingly, something had to give so I started to demote my household needs, my dog's needs, my children's needs, my husband's needs, and ultimately - at the very bottom of a long list - was my own needs. I spent all of the time and energy I had available and then was left exhausted and flopped into bed.

Meh! Who cares, right? That's normal and we are told every day to be fitter, wittier, quicker, more giving, more selfless, more hawt! But the reality is, we are only simple regular people and at some point it's up to us to make our list of priorities and limit the investment we are prepared to make into them.

In my first series of rehabilitation sessions at the Bruyere Hospital I had to be trained to say "No." I really mean that I had to learn it because I did... I even had to roleplay examples of requests and me saying no to them.

My therapist in that session would likely smirk and say that I learned and even told her no a few times by the end. *waves at Beverly my social work guru*

Anyway, just take a second and consider where you rank on your priority list. And even though it seems like it's safe to demote our kids/spouse because they will always love us regardless - just remember that there is a point where you will realize all of the ways that you almost missed out on the most important people in our lives.

Two letters - one word - tremendous power: NO

Use it wisely but as often as you need to.

Be well,

Jen

The Power of Humour

I don't think it matters who you are - or where you live - or what language you speak ... there are a few things most of us have in common.

We like to be happy
We aim to be the best person we can be
We seek for our children to have the best we can offer
We love loving and being loved
We hope we wil not be forgotten, and
We appreciate a good laugh.

This week I have had my initial evaluation/assessment at the Acquired Brain Injury facility and I will be going there for an eight-week program that will assist my rehabilitation in Speech and Language, Occupational Therapy, Psychology and Social Work.

We are lucky to have access to such remarkable and dedicated professionals and I would be remiss if I did not take this opportunity to acknowledge the amazing teams of people who have helped me at the Civic Campus of the Ottawa Hospital and at the Bruyere Hospital. Nothing but the best to share of those two remarkable facilities. I am endebted to their professionalism and ability.

So, getting back to the Acquired Brain Injury facility, my assessments were Monday and Tuesday as well as a medical appointment on Friday. I filled in a questionnaire that asks me about a variety of issues that can be related to my injury. The meeting had been fairly standard and I was asked expected questions about my mood these days. My answer was that despite the challenges I face and the ordeal we have survived, I feel optimistic and positive about my life. I said that I saw it as an opportunity to re-evaluate my life course and to dream of new paths in life that will suit my abilities/disabilities. There was a brief silence as the Doctor nodded and then he made me laugh.

He said that the thing is... my "life" was taken from me on September 7 when I had a stroke and my life has not been restored in the way it was. I nodded. He said that there would be no way to expect that you can live through that without feeling frustrated, angry, confused, or cheated. He said something along the lines of (roughly parahrasing) I would like to be an optimist but I'm not that good... the reality is that this whole situation sucks.

I laughed right out loud and appreciated the candor and humour very much. He's right in a lot of ways... it does suck and my life is frustratingly similar and yet so different. And in addition to physical trauma and cognitive/neurological damage it has been an absolutely crappy assignment of paperwork and insurance forms etc etc etc

So to hear his comment, I still smile and nod. It really does suck. But when I get tugged into that hole I consider the thousands of ways that it could be worse.

But on the days I can't focus on the thousands of worse things I like to have a really good laugh - maybe you will have some of those too ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aAtFrWft2k

Be well,

Jen