Staring at the fan

Well today is a busy day (most have been and I apologize for my delays). I am actually posting today from the Acquired Brain Injury rehabilitation centre and I am grateful that they have offered a way for my laptop to connect.

So I am working hard and am developing new skills to be able to cope with my challenges.

This morning was also blood work where a wise woman reminded me that every day is another step forward ... "baby steps."

On the way here this morning I very much enjoyed this song that i heard for the first time... it summarizes my plans for tomorrow (oh, that will be April Fools' Day - all the more reason to plan a slow day).

Hope you are all doing great and thank you very much for your continued messages of support.

Be well,

Jen

~*~*~*~*~*~

THE LAZY SONG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FZtN7T5PXM

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

I'm gonna kick my feet up then stare at the fan
Turn the TV on, throw my hand in my pants
Nobody's gon' tell me I can't

I'll be lounging on the couch just chilling in my Snuggie
Click to MTV so they can teach me how to dougie
'Cause in my castle I'm the freaking man

Oh yes, I said it, I said it
I said it 'cause I can

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
Nothing at all, nothing at all

Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90X
Find a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she's gonna scream out
This is great
(Oh my god, this is great)

Yeah, I might mess around
And get my college degree
I bet my old man will be so proud of me
But sorry pops, you'll just have to wait

Oh yes, I said it, I said it
I said it 'cause I can

Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

No, I ain't gonna comb my hair
'Cause I ain't going anywhere
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

I'll just strut in my birthday suit
And let everything hang loose
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything

Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Nothing at all

Humility with icing

A birthday blows by and names / memories / moments / joy / agony and love all whirl around me...

No matter what has come and gone in my life I am lucky. I am here and you are here with me. I am lucky to have you and I am blesssed to have my remarkable sons, a determined husband and a wonderful family.

Every day this pixel world reminds me of this remarkable life. I live and breathe and dream and as hard as it can be I AM ALIVE!

I plan to figure out where I can find my future with this keyboard and surrounded by loved ones and friends and reaching out to every corner of the world to learn, share and experience as much as possible.

I am here

So, dear world, I stand on the rock on the top of the most challenging mountain I have been climbing yet... I feel the wind whip around me. I tip my face back - eyes closed and sun shining on me with no furrowed brow - and as the camera pulls back from my perch on top of my world the rest of the mountains come into focus and the sky's blue promise with white clouds moving so fast reminds of the larger reality beyond.

I will sit here for a while and absorb every second of this...

...and then...

...I will set my sights on the next mountain.

No matter your pace, your past, your pain, your ability, YOU are invited.

Come with me *smiles warmly*

Be well.

Jen

Memories

• The black iron railing on the concrete steps outside of our first home in Quebec
• "Dog Patrol" a near-daily excursion as Dad would peddle me around on the back of his bike looking for doggies that I could pet
• Washing dishes standing on a chair in the kitchen next to my Mom
• My new baby brother coming home
• Noticing that he was "broken" between his legs while I assisted Mom with a diaper change
• My first amazing experience at school with my Junior Kindergarten Teacher (Mrs. Rheaume, I still think of you often)
• Recording our voice and our home family movies
• Learning to debate at school
• Perfecting how to debate at the dinner table
• Years of summertime joy and crushes and sunburns
• First kiss
• Never wanting to see that guy again... good thing he won't know I mean him
• Writing my first poem
• Dancing in my bedroom
• Transcribing lyrics from radio music
• Losing my Nanny (maternal and only grandparent)
• My first bra
• My first heartbreak
• Painting
• First "first date"
• First "last date"
• First act of citizenship: I vote
• Being elected at my high school
• Graduation
• An abusive relationship
• University ... a procrastinator's heaven and hell
• Pride + Kraft Dinner VS Logic + Asking for money
  (if you know me, you know which I picked... despite not having any milk)
• Illness and close brushes with despair
• Family love and how the extended family reinforces the troops regardless of the problem, the timing, or the need
• The power of a loved one's beautiful baby girl
• Smugly taking a job in broadcasting which surely meant that I didn't need the degree
• A star named after me
• Understanding how much that really meant
• Meeting the son of my parents' friends "just for coffee"
• Long distance love in denial
• Dropping to my knees in front of him and saying yes
• Moving (for the thousandth time)
• Marrying
• Moving #1001 - but thankfully moving to the "M" section in people's address books instead of the "V"
• Making babies - the easy part AND the hard part
• New life all around
• The beauty of someone else's wedding
• Learning what to control and what you cannot control
• Mom's life ebbing away
• Recovery from loss
• Needing to be loved
• Losing weeks of my life - a small price to pay because I had never had the chance to say "goodbye, how I love you"
• Rebirth with my artificial umbilical cords
• Learning to walk again and to read and write
• Feeling fear often
• My brother, husband and father never leaving my side
• Reaching back to my husband
• Deciding to act the way I felt people wanted me to be
• Changing that decision!
• Making true friends recovering with them in the hospital for more than two months
• Learning many ways to measure distance (inches, kilometers, aeons)
• Remarking which friends have stayed... regardless of my quiet
   *smiling at you with gratitude*
• My sons sharing the experience of being with Mom on the floor (ferociously proud of them now and forever - unless they have behaved unethically or unlawfully you'd be best to complain to someone else)
• My husband carrying his own weight and far too much of mine
• Every one of my stroke steps...

And today?
Another year older!!! Ack!!!

Be well

Jen

Azure dreams

* credits to Coldplay - song "Green Eyes" *

Honey, you are a rock
   Upon which I stand
      And I come here to talk
        I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight,
   shines upon you
       And how could anybody deny you?

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you

And honey you should know,
   that I could never go on without you
Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
   Upon which I float
      And I came here to talk
         I think you should know

That green eyes, you’re the one
  that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you
  must be out of their mind

Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you

Honey you should know,
  that I could never go on without you

Green eyes          ~          Green eyes

Ohoho... Ohoho... Ohoho... Ohoho...

The sea upon which I float

ђoney
уou
are
α
ℜocк
u℘on
which
ⓘ
stαn∂



Missing my Mom

Two years ago from Feb 28 I lost my Mom. More accurately, we ALL lost my Mom.

In that one day, I witnessed the most bitter loss of my life and the most liberating release of hers.

There aren't really words to say how much it hurts or how deep I feel it or acutely I miss her.

Hard to believe that she never knew me as a stroke patient. I am thankful to the Lord that He spared me from this while I was caring for her.

I would love to feel her arms around me or her hand stroking my face... but I wouldn't have kept her in that misery for any benefit.

When Mom was leaving we all gathered around her bed, we knew it was happening, and her brothers and their wives were there as well as Dad and my brother and Kirk and I. We held hands and we prayed and we waited quietly while I whispered in her ear that it was okay to let go and go Home. We promised her to take care of each other and we waited while she released her firm grasp on our hands.

I remember after she passed and the pain had stopped assaulting her, I finally was able to get back into bed with her and cuddle her after many months of not being able to hold her properly... so did my brother... and for a moment we snuggled up to our Mommy the way we always had from the first breath we took in this world.

We love you Mom!

And I have a bone to pick with you... what gives you the right to knock me off the ladder on my swift ascent to your side?!?! *smiles* Just kidding, Mom, I know it was because I was impatient and way ahead of schedule... either that or the people at this end who fixed my leak were on your side ;)

See you Mom!

Jen
xoxox....